hearing aid

Old people are awesome. Just saying.

I was over at my Grandma Betty's house one day just hanging out.

Just for a visual:

Leopard Print Everything +

Betty White +

Rhinestones +

3 More Inches of Afro =

My Grandma

Anyways, we were just sitting around watching TBN, looking through magazines, eating brown cows, the usual. Grandma starts talking.

G-Ma: Emily,

Okay. Real quick side story. Grandma Betty has the typical, shaky, precious old lady voice. So, when she says "Emily," it's more like, "EeeeEemiiiIIleeeEEEeeeeeeeeee." Does that make sense? ... I'll take that as a yes.

Moving on.

G-Ma: Emily, I need to ask you a question.

Me: Sure, Grandma! What is it?


G-Ma: Well, you see, there's this word I have been seeing around and hearing on TV...and I have no idea what it means. I was hoping I could ask you and you could tell me.

At this point, the panic sets in. What word does my grandma not know? ...wait. Oh no. OOOH NO. Grandma is about to ask me what a cuss word means. I am about to hear my grandma say some foul word, and I am going to have to tell her what it means. Somebody help me. I can't do this. Panic, panic, panic.

Me: Um...uh...sure, Grandma! ...What is it?

G-Ma: I believe it's pronounced...

PAINFUL SILENCE...

G-Ma: Yummy.

Me: ...What?

G-Ma: Well, I think that's how you say it. Y-U-M-M-Y. Yummy?

Me: So the word you want me to explain to you is...yummy?

G-Ma: Well...yes?

PRAISE THE LORD.

Hearing-my-grandma-cuss-and-having-to-explain-to-her-that-she-is-cussing-disaster averted. :)

pillow talk

You know what drives me crazy?

When people cannot carry on a simple conversation.

Seriously? It is not that difficult to keep words flowing between two humans. Conversations in person are a little better, but texting conversations are the worst. Here's an example.

Actual Texting Conversation:

Me: haha :)

Alejandro: lol :)

Me: :)

Alejandro: :)

Okay. WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO, "lol :)"?!!??!!?! "Wow! That is a great emoticon you've got there! It must have taken you at least five minutes to come up with that thoughtful response!" NO. 

Stop trying to pass on the Conversation Baton to me! I always bring up new topics and questions. I don't understand why this is so difficult for people to master.

Try phrases like...oh I don't know...

"How has your day been?"

"How are you?"

"What have you done today?"

"What have you been up to?"

"Are you excited about this weekend?"

"Have you seen Inception?"

"Do you like velociraptors?"

Not. That. Difficult.

Here are some phrases that are definite conversation KILLERS. Never use these unless you are purposely trying to get rid of someone.

"that's cool"

"okay"

"fine"

"lol"

":)"

"cool"

"Don't text me back"

"Look behind you..."

"Let's name our daughter (insert mythical creature here)"

And the mother of all conversation killers...the worst of all..."k." If someone sends you "k," your conversation is O-V-E-R. Gone. Dead. Do not resuscitate.

It also drives me crazy when people have to have the last text.

Sample Texting Conversation:

Me: "well i think i'm going to head to bed."

Fernando: "alright! have a great day tomorrow."

Me: "you too. :)" [Conversation should have ended here.]

Fernando: "goodnight :)"

Me: "goodnight! :)" [Okay, that's enough.]

Fernando: "sweet dreams!"

Me: "you too!" [You have got to be kidding me. Yes, I will have sweet dreams. Sweet dreams of violently stabbing you with a spork.]

Fernando: "hope you sleep well!"

Me: "okay!" [I hope you sleep well, too! BECAUSE I HOPE YOU NEVER WAKE UP.]

Fernando: ":)"

This has GOT to be a joke. You don't care if I sleep well! You don't care if I have sweet dreams! If you did, you would stop texting me because you are keeping me awake! (Hypocrites also drive me crazy.)

Well, I don't really know how to end this blog post...wait...

k.

fowl play

So...I need this in T-Shirt form.

(If you missed it, it's a reference to the Alfred Hitchcock's thriller, The Birds.)

View T-Shirt here on Threadless.

If you've never seen The Birds, rent or buy it. Trust me. You won't regret it.

cereal killer

Cereal. It's one of my main food groups. "A good breakfast makes for a good day." And what better way to have a good breakfast than with cereal?

I eat at least one bowl of cereal a day, and since that makes it a huge part of my life, I thought it definitely deserved a blog post about it. (It already has several whole blogs devoted to it, such as The Breakfast Bowl and Complete Breakfast.)

Now it's time for questions.

What was the first cereal?

Granula. Wow. That sounds delicious. Granula was invented by James Caleb Jackson as an attempt at a substitute for the usual breakfast of meat. It was made up of bran flakes that were so hard they had to be soaked overnight to be able to eat them. Dee-lish. Soon after, the Kellogg Brothers took that idea (granula turned into granola), and created the much-more-edible Corn Flakes, and modern-day cereal was born. Thank goodness.

What is the newest cereal innovation?

They now have cereal restaurants. That's right folks. A whole restaurant dedicated to cereal. One of the most famous, The Cereal Bowl, is a pretty steady growing franchise. There are many different cereals to choose from, and you can mix and match whatever kind of cereal and milk you like. It's like a dream come true. 

What are the top five best cereals?

My opinion:

5. Frosted Mini Wheats

4. Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch

3. Corn Pops

2. Quaker Oh's

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

How do you feel about soggy cereal?

It depends on the cereal, but usually soggy is a no-go.

How well do you know your cereal mascots?

Take this quiz to find out. (I got 100%. I need help.)

Why do people love cereal so much?

Because it has sugar in it.

What are some epic fail cereals?

·E.T. Cereal (Chocolate and peanut butter cereal in the shape of, well, E's and T's)

·Mr. T Cereal (This cereal made it in to Pee Wee's Big Adventure...somehow.)

And my personal favorite...

·Urkel-O's (Based on the "Family Matters" character, Steve Urkel) 

Watch the ad below. It will be well worth your time.

It think it's safe to say that cereal will be around for a long time. However, things may change in the cereal world. Have another question about cereal? Have you ever tried Urkel-O's? Think my choices of best cereals are wrong-o? Post a comment below.