awful waffle

Waffle House.

It's the nastiest and most wonderful place on Earth.

Waffle House is more than just a restaurant. It's home away from home.

Like, I'm pretty sure I spend more time there than in my actual room.

There is just something about the smoky atmosphere, the greasy hash browns, the sketchy customers, and the classy waitresses that makes it so special.

There are several phenomena that occur at WaHo and only at WaHo.

1. Déjà Food

Every time I go to Waffle House, I pull the sticky, laminated menu from behind the napkin dispenser. I pretend to look it over, and really seem like I am reading it. But in reality, I already know what I'm ordering. I get the same exact thing. Every time. I don't know why.

I pick out something else, and I am determined to order it. But the second the waitress shuffles over and asks me, "Whad'ya have, sweetheart?" I immediately blurt out my usual. (Cinnamon raisin toast with apple butter, grits, and eggs.)

2. The Table-Setting Limbo


This phenomenon might be one of the most awkward things you will experience in your life.
You slide into the wooden booth. The waitress comes over and brings with her weapons of mass destruction. The silverware.

You sit there awkwardly in silence while the waitress carefully places each piece around the table. First the napkin, then the knife, then the spoon and fork.


She is awkwardly reaching over you and setting the table at an extremely slow pace. You know that if you had done it yourself, you would have been done at least thirty seconds ago. You really just want her to dump the silverware on the table, and GO AWAY.


You want to keep talking because she of course came in the middle of a conversation, but you feel awkward talking because her face is like right in front of yours because she is reaching and leaning all in front of you and now I am pretty sure this is the longest sentence in the existence of the world. Sorry about that. (Actually the longest sentence was 2,403,109 words long. So you should be grateful.)

3. The Secret Language


As soon as you walk into WaHo, you are immediately aware...that you are on another planet.
"Scattered, smothered, and covered?" What?!


The Waffle House lingo is essential to any regular's WaHo visit. When it comes to ordering hash browns, just saying you want "cheese on top" is NOT acceptable.


Here is the breakdown of the jargon:

"All the Way"

scattered: spread on the grill
smothered: with onions
covered: with cheese
chunked: with diced ham
diced: with diced tomatoes
peppered: with jalapeño peppers
capped: with mushrooms
topped: with chili
all the way: with all toppings


(Also, since WaHo recently added biscuits and gravy on the menu, you can now order your hash browns "country" with sausage gravy on top. You can also ask them to put bacon on top as well.)


I've never ordered the hash browns "All the Way," but I am definitely planning on it. You can tell how magically delicious they would be just by the picture above. ......If I eat that, I think my stomach will somehow exit my body and punch me in the face.

4. The Speedy Bonding


When you enter La Casa del Waffle, it seems that you bond with the staff members instantly.
You have literally sat down for 30 seconds, and you are already being called "baby," "sweetheart," "honey," "sugar," and a variety of other pet names. It means even more when it comes from a 90 year-old woman named Myrtle.

I don't think I will ever fully understand the full mystical powers of Waffle House. I'm not sure how a combination of greasy food, strange employees, sticky booths, and late nights create an amazing atmosphere of awesome. But I think Waffle House has more to do with the people you go there with than the actual place. ...But I don't know... the waffles are pretty magical.


P.S. Has anyone else noticed how unusually small the Waffle House napkins are?