on strike

Bowling.

I'm pretty sure that bowling is the most awkward sport ever.

I even feel awkward calling it a sport.

I even feel awkward when I say the word, "bowling." Bowling. Yuck.

I'm not saying it isn't fun, because it is. I am saying that it's just...awkward.

First off, I really want to meet the guy who thought up bowling.

"Hey! Why don't we take 10 weirdly shaped pieces of wood and throw a heavy ball at them and try to knock them over? That would be so much fun!" What was he smoking?

Also, of all names for this sport, why would you pick "bowling?"

Maybe...balling? Or...pinning? Or...throwing-a-heavy-ball-with-holes-in-it-that-kind-of-looks-like-a-giant-coconut-down-a-greasy-wooden-lane-into-ten-gourd-shaped-pieces-of-wood? Bowling has absolutely nothing to do with a bowl. Unless I am missing something really important. ...That would explain a lot, actually.

And what is up with the shoes?

Do I seriously have to put on some random, smelly, greasy shoes to throw a heavy ball around? But then again, the shoes are kind of awesome. I am always really tempted to steal a pair. I mean, come on. They are three-toned, made of "leather," and also they have your shoe size on the back of them--just in case you forget. And they usually come with some left over disinfectant. Or left over foot fungus. Maybe both.

The 7-10 Split.

One of my favorite Disney Channel Original Movies, Alley Cats Strike, there is a "famous" scene where one of the team members has to hit two pins in a classic 7-10 split.
She takes the ball, coyly checks the so-called wind direction, spins it in one direction, and pushes it softly as it glides down to hit the last two pins.
So of course, every single time I would go bowling, I would try to recreate that scene. And it would take a good three minutes for my ball to make it even to the end of the lane. And by that time, it was going so slow that it didn't even do anything. And the mean old smelly guy would have to come out behind the place where you rent the shoes, growl at you, and then go fetch your ball because it would get stuck halfway down the lane. To get a visual, view the scene below, starting at the 2:00 mark.

 
But if you want to finish a bowling game in less than 3 hours, and without being beaten up by the Rental Shoe Man, I don't suggest you try this at home, kids.

my ninja

The question theologists, scholars, and philosophers have been asking for centuries still haunts us to this day.

PIRATES OR NINJAS?!?!

Both sides have pros and cons, but I am here to tell you that ninjas totally take the cake.

Here's a list of 10 reasons why ninjas own pirates any day.

1. Ninjas are highly trained fighters.

Ninjas go through extensive, painful, and exhausting training to become a ninja. The training is mental as well as physical. They toil day and night perfecting their skills and learning from their masters. The pirates’ training manual looks something like this: 1. Drink rum. 2. Drink, rape, pillage, and plunder. 3. Pass out. Yeah, that took a lot of work and concentration.

2. Ninjas are in peak physical condition.

They train countless hours to make sure their bodies are perfectly built so they can accomplish their mission. Pirates have a beer gut. Ninjas will freaking NINJIE/JUDIE CHOP YOUR ARM OFF (via The Redneck Ninja below) in one swipe.

 

3. They are the epitome of stealth.

You could be killed by a ninja and not even know it until you saw the blood bubbling up from your throat. Ninjas are trained to be able to be still and silent for hours at a time. If a pirate was any where near you, you would be able to hear his nasty dreads, jewels, parrot, and his peg leg from miles away.

4. They have amazing clothes.

Ninja garb is the coolest. Ninjas wear loose, breathable, black clothing. This is perfect for running, flipping, fighting, and hiding. Pirates have layers and layers of nasty cloth soaked in sweat, body odor, and dirt. As my grandma would say, yummy. (Read story here.)

5. They have the coolest weapons.

Pirates might have guns and cannons, but a ninja could kill you before you could even fire one. Some of their weapons include swords, nunchucks, throwing stars, foot & knuckle spikes, whips, smoke bombs, batons, and even utility belts. I’d like to see a pirate attempt to escape one of these weapons.

Inside of my sock drawer

6. They’re not in pop culture as much as pirates.

How is that a positive thing? That’s just what ninjas want you to think. Well, if you could see ninjas in movies and stuff they wouldn’t be stealthy, now would they?! There may be Captain Jack Sparrow, however the only reason he is alive is by pure luck. He even died once in the second movie! He is an uncoordinated drunk.

7. Ninjas are STONE COLD FOXY.

I would definitely pick a ripped, muscular athelete over a nasty, unshaven, dirty, smelly, foul, beer-bellied pirate any day. Shew.

8. Ninjas actually have a job.

They are hired as spies, assassins, or body guards. Pirates just hope to get lucky and get some booty. And if they don’t, they just starve out at sea. Have fun with your bad case of scurvy.

9. Ninjas are everywhere.

Have you ever felt like some one was watching you? A Ninja. Have you ever thought you saw something out of the corner of your eye, but it was just a shadow? NOPE. IT WAS A NINJA. Have you ever been walking down the street and something jumped out from a bush and stabbed you?!?! A NINJA.

(There really is a number 10, but it’s a ninja, so you can’t see it.)

awful waffle

Waffle House.

It's the nastiest and most wonderful place on Earth.

Waffle House is more than just a restaurant. It's home away from home.

Like, I'm pretty sure I spend more time there than in my actual room.

There is just something about the smoky atmosphere, the greasy hash browns, the sketchy customers, and the classy waitresses that makes it so special.

There are several phenomena that occur at WaHo and only at WaHo.

1. Déjà Food

Every time I go to Waffle House, I pull the sticky, laminated menu from behind the napkin dispenser. I pretend to look it over, and really seem like I am reading it. But in reality, I already know what I'm ordering. I get the same exact thing. Every time. I don't know why.

I pick out something else, and I am determined to order it. But the second the waitress shuffles over and asks me, "Whad'ya have, sweetheart?" I immediately blurt out my usual. (Cinnamon raisin toast with apple butter, grits, and eggs.)

2. The Table-Setting Limbo


This phenomenon might be one of the most awkward things you will experience in your life.
You slide into the wooden booth. The waitress comes over and brings with her weapons of mass destruction. The silverware.

You sit there awkwardly in silence while the waitress carefully places each piece around the table. First the napkin, then the knife, then the spoon and fork.


She is awkwardly reaching over you and setting the table at an extremely slow pace. You know that if you had done it yourself, you would have been done at least thirty seconds ago. You really just want her to dump the silverware on the table, and GO AWAY.


You want to keep talking because she of course came in the middle of a conversation, but you feel awkward talking because her face is like right in front of yours because she is reaching and leaning all in front of you and now I am pretty sure this is the longest sentence in the existence of the world. Sorry about that. (Actually the longest sentence was 2,403,109 words long. So you should be grateful.)

3. The Secret Language


As soon as you walk into WaHo, you are immediately aware...that you are on another planet.
"Scattered, smothered, and covered?" What?!


The Waffle House lingo is essential to any regular's WaHo visit. When it comes to ordering hash browns, just saying you want "cheese on top" is NOT acceptable.


Here is the breakdown of the jargon:

"All the Way"

scattered: spread on the grill
smothered: with onions
covered: with cheese
chunked: with diced ham
diced: with diced tomatoes
peppered: with jalapeño peppers
capped: with mushrooms
topped: with chili
all the way: with all toppings


(Also, since WaHo recently added biscuits and gravy on the menu, you can now order your hash browns "country" with sausage gravy on top. You can also ask them to put bacon on top as well.)


I've never ordered the hash browns "All the Way," but I am definitely planning on it. You can tell how magically delicious they would be just by the picture above. ......If I eat that, I think my stomach will somehow exit my body and punch me in the face.

4. The Speedy Bonding


When you enter La Casa del Waffle, it seems that you bond with the staff members instantly.
You have literally sat down for 30 seconds, and you are already being called "baby," "sweetheart," "honey," "sugar," and a variety of other pet names. It means even more when it comes from a 90 year-old woman named Myrtle.

I don't think I will ever fully understand the full mystical powers of Waffle House. I'm not sure how a combination of greasy food, strange employees, sticky booths, and late nights create an amazing atmosphere of awesome. But I think Waffle House has more to do with the people you go there with than the actual place. ...But I don't know... the waffles are pretty magical.


P.S. Has anyone else noticed how unusually small the Waffle House napkins are?

gleekle-ganger

 My friends and I from college...

We are Glee.

I have way too much time on my hands.

jungle gym

Gym etiquette.

It's crucial.

I walk into the YMCA.

I sit down and stretch, fill up my water bottle, and do other stuff to stall so I don't have to actually go work out.

I finally muster up the energy, and head over to get on a treadmill.

There are about 25 empty ones in a row; no one else is running.

(I always go to the gym during weird hours.)

So, I head aaaall the way down to the first one on the end.

I leave tons of room for other people beside me.

I get out of everyone's way so I can have my own personal space.

I make it clear that I am here on my own.

I have my headphones in and "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" blasting.

I am in the zone.

And what happens?

Someone comes up and starts running on the treadmill RIGHT BESIDE ME.

...

Seriously?

There are 23 other treadmills you could be running on.

I left plenty of space for you to take your sweaty little self and go run down somewhere else.

I have made it very obvious that I want to run. ALONE.

But what are you doing?

Running, breathing heavily, and sweating all over me.

Your treadmill is squeaky, and it's really distracting.

You are really uncoordinated, so I am constantly freaking out because I think you are having a seizure or something.

(Much like the video below.)

Now I'm self-conscious that you're running faster than me.

I'm jogging along at like 5 miles an hour.

Then you speed up to 6.

So...I speed up to 6.

Then you take a sip of water.

So...I take one.

You athletically wipe your brow.

So...I grab my towel too.

You speed up to 9.5 miles an hour.

So...I speed up...I trip on my untied shoelace...and DIE.

I died.

I hope you're happy.

This whole situation could have been avoided if you had just scooted down a few treadmills.

And now I'm dead.

I am ghost blogging.

So let that be a lesson to you, kids.

Next time you think about hopping on a treadmill right next to someone, think again.

You might be murdering him/her in the process.

...

Yeah, I know. I need help.

bug out

Spider-Man The Musical.

Yes, it's real.

You can't make stuff like that up, people.

It's formally called Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, and it's premiering November 14th on Broadway.

I love Spider-Man.

                                          I love musicals.

But Spider-Man musicals I'm not so sure about.

I have some hope. 

1. It's directed by Julie Taymor, who also directed The Lion King.

2. Bono from U2 helped write most of the music.

So, here's hoping that it won't be a complete, utter, terrible, disgusting, and/or shameful disaster to ever be on the Broadway stage. :)

And I also hope that he doesn't sing with the mask on. (See Sean Hayes style below.)

britney/miley?

I've been inspired by the amazing "Britney/Brittany" episode of Glee last night.

Here is Britney's album cover for "My Prerogative."

Here is Miley Cyrus' album cover for "Can't Be Tamed."

Let's scroll back up...wow. They look exactly the same.

Listen, Miley. Everyone wants to be Britney. We get it.

But this is a little bit much.

hearing aid

Old people are awesome. Just saying.

I was over at my Grandma Betty's house one day just hanging out.

Just for a visual:

Leopard Print Everything +

Betty White +

Rhinestones +

3 More Inches of Afro =

My Grandma

Anyways, we were just sitting around watching TBN, looking through magazines, eating brown cows, the usual. Grandma starts talking.

G-Ma: Emily,

Okay. Real quick side story. Grandma Betty has the typical, shaky, precious old lady voice. So, when she says "Emily," it's more like, "EeeeEemiiiIIleeeEEEeeeeeeeeee." Does that make sense? ... I'll take that as a yes.

Moving on.

G-Ma: Emily, I need to ask you a question.

Me: Sure, Grandma! What is it?


G-Ma: Well, you see, there's this word I have been seeing around and hearing on TV...and I have no idea what it means. I was hoping I could ask you and you could tell me.

At this point, the panic sets in. What word does my grandma not know? ...wait. Oh no. OOOH NO. Grandma is about to ask me what a cuss word means. I am about to hear my grandma say some foul word, and I am going to have to tell her what it means. Somebody help me. I can't do this. Panic, panic, panic.

Me: Um...uh...sure, Grandma! ...What is it?

G-Ma: I believe it's pronounced...

PAINFUL SILENCE...

G-Ma: Yummy.

Me: ...What?

G-Ma: Well, I think that's how you say it. Y-U-M-M-Y. Yummy?

Me: So the word you want me to explain to you is...yummy?

G-Ma: Well...yes?

PRAISE THE LORD.

Hearing-my-grandma-cuss-and-having-to-explain-to-her-that-she-is-cussing-disaster averted. :)

pillow talk

You know what drives me crazy?

When people cannot carry on a simple conversation.

Seriously? It is not that difficult to keep words flowing between two humans. Conversations in person are a little better, but texting conversations are the worst. Here's an example.

Actual Texting Conversation:

Me: haha :)

Alejandro: lol :)

Me: :)

Alejandro: :)

Okay. WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO, "lol :)"?!!??!!?! "Wow! That is a great emoticon you've got there! It must have taken you at least five minutes to come up with that thoughtful response!" NO. 

Stop trying to pass on the Conversation Baton to me! I always bring up new topics and questions. I don't understand why this is so difficult for people to master.

Try phrases like...oh I don't know...

"How has your day been?"

"How are you?"

"What have you done today?"

"What have you been up to?"

"Are you excited about this weekend?"

"Have you seen Inception?"

"Do you like velociraptors?"

Not. That. Difficult.

Here are some phrases that are definite conversation KILLERS. Never use these unless you are purposely trying to get rid of someone.

"that's cool"

"okay"

"fine"

"lol"

":)"

"cool"

"Don't text me back"

"Look behind you..."

"Let's name our daughter (insert mythical creature here)"

And the mother of all conversation killers...the worst of all..."k." If someone sends you "k," your conversation is O-V-E-R. Gone. Dead. Do not resuscitate.

It also drives me crazy when people have to have the last text.

Sample Texting Conversation:

Me: "well i think i'm going to head to bed."

Fernando: "alright! have a great day tomorrow."

Me: "you too. :)" [Conversation should have ended here.]

Fernando: "goodnight :)"

Me: "goodnight! :)" [Okay, that's enough.]

Fernando: "sweet dreams!"

Me: "you too!" [You have got to be kidding me. Yes, I will have sweet dreams. Sweet dreams of violently stabbing you with a spork.]

Fernando: "hope you sleep well!"

Me: "okay!" [I hope you sleep well, too! BECAUSE I HOPE YOU NEVER WAKE UP.]

Fernando: ":)"

This has GOT to be a joke. You don't care if I sleep well! You don't care if I have sweet dreams! If you did, you would stop texting me because you are keeping me awake! (Hypocrites also drive me crazy.)

Well, I don't really know how to end this blog post...wait...

k.

fowl play

So...I need this in T-Shirt form.

(If you missed it, it's a reference to the Alfred Hitchcock's thriller, The Birds.)

View T-Shirt here on Threadless.

If you've never seen The Birds, rent or buy it. Trust me. You won't regret it.

cereal killer

Cereal. It's one of my main food groups. "A good breakfast makes for a good day." And what better way to have a good breakfast than with cereal?

I eat at least one bowl of cereal a day, and since that makes it a huge part of my life, I thought it definitely deserved a blog post about it. (It already has several whole blogs devoted to it, such as The Breakfast Bowl and Complete Breakfast.)

Now it's time for questions.

What was the first cereal?

Granula. Wow. That sounds delicious. Granula was invented by James Caleb Jackson as an attempt at a substitute for the usual breakfast of meat. It was made up of bran flakes that were so hard they had to be soaked overnight to be able to eat them. Dee-lish. Soon after, the Kellogg Brothers took that idea (granula turned into granola), and created the much-more-edible Corn Flakes, and modern-day cereal was born. Thank goodness.

What is the newest cereal innovation?

They now have cereal restaurants. That's right folks. A whole restaurant dedicated to cereal. One of the most famous, The Cereal Bowl, is a pretty steady growing franchise. There are many different cereals to choose from, and you can mix and match whatever kind of cereal and milk you like. It's like a dream come true. 

What are the top five best cereals?

My opinion:

5. Frosted Mini Wheats

4. Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch

3. Corn Pops

2. Quaker Oh's

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

How do you feel about soggy cereal?

It depends on the cereal, but usually soggy is a no-go.

How well do you know your cereal mascots?

Take this quiz to find out. (I got 100%. I need help.)

Why do people love cereal so much?

Because it has sugar in it.

What are some epic fail cereals?

·E.T. Cereal (Chocolate and peanut butter cereal in the shape of, well, E's and T's)

·Mr. T Cereal (This cereal made it in to Pee Wee's Big Adventure...somehow.)

And my personal favorite...

·Urkel-O's (Based on the "Family Matters" character, Steve Urkel) 

Watch the ad below. It will be well worth your time.

It think it's safe to say that cereal will be around for a long time. However, things may change in the cereal world. Have another question about cereal? Have you ever tried Urkel-O's? Think my choices of best cereals are wrong-o? Post a comment below.